My (Lance) Cup Runeth Over

I remember when I loved Lance. When he was someone I looked up to. When he was a superhero on a bike. I remember watching him go for #5 thinking my world would end if he didn’t win. I remember the deep connection I felt to his cancer survivorship having watched my Grandmother perish from the disease when I was 13. I remember the strength I used to feel watching the yellow Livestrong bracelet dance on my wrist before the fad started and after it died down.

As I sit here right now, though, only a few months after the big announcement, my Lance tolerance cup is well over filled and spilling out onto the table and all over the floor. He is no longer the hero with which I once identified.

Who really believes he is coming back solely to further the Livestrong mission into a global initiative? Don’t feel bad if you still do. I bought into it at first, also. But now? No way. In the dozens upon dozens of articles I’ve read over the last 2 and a half months, I have heard very little about cancer. I’ve relived all the old doping allegations. I’ve heard about how stupid the French are. But, nothing so far about cancer. I’ve been reminded about his 7 Tour de France victories (as if I could forget). I’ve heard about old and new disputes with Greg Lemond, another self serving narcissist. No cancer. More doping, more insistance of not doping. We heard a blurb about his charity working together with Simeoni’s charity, but that was after we had to witness the back and forth and back and forth over the 2004 Tour controversy. More doping, no proof of doping, more allegations of doping, the French are stupid. No cancer. Hey look! Lance is in a wind tunnel! More doping, more arrogance. More Astana controversy. No, I swear this is about cancer. Now he's afraid of French fans. AURGH! Enough already!

Enough.

Lance’s hero status for me has gone downhill since his retirement. Not because his incredible sporting accomplishments have diminished in my mind, but because the yellow bracelet is no longer dancing on my wrist. It went in the garbage the day I read that he reportedly allowed his 6 year old daughter to take Ashley Olsen to show and tell at her Texas school. The only thing Lance seems to care about more than his cancer charity is his own face. I have to agree with Mike Celizic of msnbc.com; Lance has become a “drama queen” and a “narcissist.” There’s simply no deep connection to have with either of those.

The Return of the King

Lance is coming! Lance is coming! All Hail the return of the King!

I wish I could get into the heads of some of the riders of the pro peleton. I want to know what they are REALLY thinking since Lance Armstrong announced his return to cycling for 2009. I know what they are telling the press but, in all seriousness, there has got to be a collective, “Oh, Shit,” coming from the riders and team director’s. Lance garners unequivocal attention no matter where he goes and what he does. He will instantly become a favorite for another Tour victory. And I’m not sure I believe Contador when he says he will “Welcome him back with open arms.” No one vying for a Tour victory can welcome him back with open arms. No way. So here’s a collection of quotes from people around the sport reacting to Lance’s comeback, and my translation of what they are actually saying in their own head.


Alberto Contador – “I’ve always admired him and would love to race with him. I welcome him back with open arms.”
Translation: Does Lance Armstrong know he can’t be the next Lance Armstrong cuz I am the next Lance Armstrong?

Tom Danielson – “The guy has nothing to prove. Especially in my eyes.”
Translation: I’m the king of nothing to prove. I was supposed to be the next Lance Armstrong and I have continually proved nothing. 3 years post Lance and I have yet to even attempt the Tour.

George Hincapie – “I think everyone should embrace the idea of him coming back.”
Translation: Glory days. Well, they’ll pass you by, Glory Days. In the wink of Lance’s eyes, Glory Days. Glory Days.

Mark Cavendish – “I know some of the other guys like George Hincapie are really excited about this.”
Translation: I get to meet Lance! I get to meet Lance! OMG! OMG! OMG! Ooooo…I hope he likes me.

Bob Stapleton – “Lance is going to pick and hire the team he wants…not the other way around.”
Translation: Hmmm…I can knock off Johann Bruyneel and make it look like an accident. Then Lance will HAVE to pick me…I mean, I have George Hincapie! Lance is nothing without George, right? Right?

Marc Madiot, Manager, Franciase De Jeux – “Lance Armstrong has to explain himself about what happened in 1999.”
Translation: French law requires that I question the legitimacy of Lance’s accomplishments and insinuate doping allegations every chance I get.

Jan Ullrich – “If he starts then I ought to start again, too…At the moment I can’t imagine that.”
Translation: Come back to cycling, they say. Come on, everybody’s doing it, they say…that’s exactly what Dr. Fuentes said…

Egoi Matinez – “I don’t know whether to take it seriously or if it is a joke.”
Translation: Am I on candid camera? God, I hope it’s a joke. It’s a joke, right?

Carlos Sastre – “He’s a rider who can put your hair on end just by watching him on TV.”
Translation: I’m gonna watch the Tour on TV next year…see you in 2010!

Andrew Messick, Owner, AEG Sports – “We welcome him to our race (Tour of California) along with his Astana teammates.”
Translation: CHA-CHING!

Bjarne Riis – “Something must be lacking in Lance’s life for him to do this.”
Translation: I’m not qualified to comment because although I doped my way to my Tour victory I never suffered the retribution for it. Wanna see my yellow jersey?

Levi Leipheimer – “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Translation: My career is over.

Tom Boonen – “Why is everybody so impressed?”
Translation: I’m a Classics sprinter. What does this have to do with me?