Lance is coming! Lance is coming! All Hail the return of the King!
I wish I could get into the heads of some of the riders of the pro peleton. I want to know what they are REALLY thinking since Lance Armstrong announced his return to cycling for 2009. I know what they are telling the press but, in all seriousness, there has got to be a collective, “Oh, Shit,” coming from the riders and team director’s. Lance garners unequivocal attention no matter where he goes and what he does. He will instantly become a favorite for another Tour victory. And I’m not sure I believe Contador when he says he will “Welcome him back with open arms.” No one vying for a Tour victory can welcome him back with open arms. No way. So here’s a collection of quotes from people around the sport reacting to Lance’s comeback, and my translation of what they are actually saying in their own head.
Alberto Contador – “I’ve always admired him and would love to race with him. I welcome him back with open arms.”
Translation: Does Lance Armstrong know he can’t be the next Lance Armstrong cuz I am the next Lance Armstrong?
Tom Danielson – “The guy has nothing to prove. Especially in my eyes.”
Translation: I’m the king of nothing to prove. I was supposed to be the next Lance Armstrong and I have continually proved nothing. 3 years post Lance and I have yet to even attempt the Tour.
George Hincapie – “I think everyone should embrace the idea of him coming back.”
Translation: Glory days. Well, they’ll pass you by, Glory Days. In the wink of Lance’s eyes, Glory Days. Glory Days.
Mark Cavendish – “I know some of the other guys like George Hincapie are really excited about this.”
Translation: I get to meet Lance! I get to meet Lance! OMG! OMG! OMG! Ooooo…I hope he likes me.
Bob Stapleton – “Lance is going to pick and hire the team he wants…not the other way around.”
Translation: Hmmm…I can knock off Johann Bruyneel and make it look like an accident. Then Lance will HAVE to pick me…I mean, I have George Hincapie! Lance is nothing without George, right? Right?
Marc Madiot, Manager, Franciase De Jeux – “Lance Armstrong has to explain himself about what happened in 1999.”
Translation: French law requires that I question the legitimacy of Lance’s accomplishments and insinuate doping allegations every chance I get.
Jan Ullrich – “If he starts then I ought to start again, too…At the moment I can’t imagine that.”
Translation: Come back to cycling, they say. Come on, everybody’s doing it, they say…that’s exactly what Dr. Fuentes said…
Egoi Matinez – “I don’t know whether to take it seriously or if it is a joke.”
Translation: Am I on candid camera? God, I hope it’s a joke. It’s a joke, right?
Carlos Sastre – “He’s a rider who can put your hair on end just by watching him on TV.”
Translation: I’m gonna watch the Tour on TV next year…see you in 2010!
Andrew Messick, Owner, AEG Sports – “We welcome him to our race (Tour of California) along with his Astana teammates.”
Translation: CHA-CHING!
Bjarne Riis – “Something must be lacking in Lance’s life for him to do this.”
Translation: I’m not qualified to comment because although I doped my way to my Tour victory I never suffered the retribution for it. Wanna see my yellow jersey?
Levi Leipheimer – “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Translation: My career is over.
Tom Boonen – “Why is everybody so impressed?”
Translation: I’m a Classics sprinter. What does this have to do with me?
Showing posts with label Tour de France. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tour de France. Show all posts
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
2008 Tour de France Love/Hate
What I love: The excitement of the biggest most tradition-drenched race in the world.
What I hate: The defending Champ, Alberto Contador, and his team were not competing.
What I love: Phil Ligget’s one of a kind commentary: “the fox is in the hen house now!”
What I hate: Phil got a lot of calls wrong this time around, “and here goes another break!
These riders are off the front now!” Paul Sherwin, “actually, Phil, we’re looking at the back of the peleton just now.”
What I love: Christian Vande Velde’s genuine love of the sport shining through as he talks to reporters about the day’s stage.
What I hate: George Hincapie’s lack of any sort of personality whatsoever, “mumble, mumble, thank the sponsors, mumble, mumble, good team, mumble, mumble, I couldn’t be interesting if a martian landed on my head right now.”
What I hate: Ricardo “the Cobra” Ricco and 3 of his teammates beating my favorites up the climbs of the Pyrenees without even breaking a sweat.
What I love: The headlines 3 days later: “Ricco Fails Doping Control as Saunier Duval Withdraws from the Tour.” C'est la vie.
What I love: “Nobody’s” like Will Frishkorn and Danny Pate came to their first Tour and had the guts to get in the breakaway’s, making the stages super fun to watch and getting the results that make us Americans tear up as they cross the line.
What I hate: “Somebody’s” like Cadel Evans throwing temper tantrums with the Press after the stages. Telling a reporter you’ll kill him if he steps on your little 8 pound dog lacks class. Seriously, what the fuck is your dog doing walking with you after a race when you KNOW you’re going to be swamped by people. You’re wearing the yellow jersey for cryin’ out loud! Leave your dog at home.
What I love: Lucky with unlucky. Barloworld’s John-Lee Augustyn is the first to the top of the Tour’s hardest stage and as he’s being celebrated by the commentator’s about his abilities, misjudges a right hand turn on the descent, goes over the barrier and slides 50 meters (unhurt) as his bike continues down the steep grade into the valley below.
What I hate: Unlucky with no luck. Roughly 50 km into the first stage at the very first feed zone of this year’s Tour, Cofidis rider Herve Duclos-LaSalle fell, broke his wrist and became the first rider to drop out. All that preparation gone in 50 km. My heart breaks for him.
What I love: The helicopter shots of the beautiful landscapes of France.
What I hate: When French TV is showing beauty shots from the helicopter while the riders are within 5 km of the finish. I don’t care about the 500 year old Chateau right now! I’ve been watching for 4 hours, I’ve seen enough Chateaus! Show me the riders dammit!
What I love: I’m a Broadcast Engineer so I love the TV technology used to bring incredible shots to the viewing public.
What I hate: Phil’s constant need to point out the picture glitches. “Sorry ‘bout the little bit of picture break up there. These pictures are being beamed up to the helicopter…blah, blah.” Yes, Phil, Microwave technology is exactly like Star Trek.
What I love: Silence Lotto actually thought they were going to put Cadel Evans in yellow despite having one of the weakest support teams in the Tour.
What I hate: People blasting Cadel because he didn’t end the Tour in yellow despite having one of the weakest support teams in the Tour.
What I love: Mark Cavendish schooling all the sprinters…4 times over. His uncanny ability to be blocked in at 200m and then cross the line first is just stunning to me.
What I hate: Hey, Mark, just because George Hincapie is on your team, doesn’t mean you need to give boring interviews like him. You just became the only Briton in history to win 4 stages in one Tour de France. It’s ok to show some emotion. I mean, you have to be at least a little excited, right?
What I hate: Robbie McEwen’s team left him out in the cold, opting to build itself around Cadel Evans for the overall. In the process, the team wasn’t strong enough to support Cadel and Robbie had no domestiques or lead out men to aid in his normally spectacular stage wins.
What I Love: Robbie McEwen’s poise in dealing with the situation and still being gracious to his clueless sponsors in the face of adversity. I won’t be surprised if he switches teams for next year.
What I hate: Schumacher falling on his way to the finish at Super Besse causing him to lose his yellow jersey and blaming Kim Kirchen (who ended taking the yellow that day) for it.
What I love: Kharma. In 2006, Schumacher took the overall victory at the Benelux Tour when he bumped into George Hincapie (who was leading the race at that point) causing him to crash. In this year’s Tour de France, Schumacher lost the yellow to George’s teammate, Kirchen.
What I love: All of the strong emotions surrounding the Tour.
What I hate: Writers who express their opinion and presume to know EVERYTHING about the Tour. Myself included.
What I hate: The defending Champ, Alberto Contador, and his team were not competing.
What I love: Phil Ligget’s one of a kind commentary: “the fox is in the hen house now!”
What I hate: Phil got a lot of calls wrong this time around, “and here goes another break!
These riders are off the front now!” Paul Sherwin, “actually, Phil, we’re looking at the back of the peleton just now.”
What I love: Christian Vande Velde’s genuine love of the sport shining through as he talks to reporters about the day’s stage.
What I hate: George Hincapie’s lack of any sort of personality whatsoever, “mumble, mumble, thank the sponsors, mumble, mumble, good team, mumble, mumble, I couldn’t be interesting if a martian landed on my head right now.”
What I hate: Ricardo “the Cobra” Ricco and 3 of his teammates beating my favorites up the climbs of the Pyrenees without even breaking a sweat.
What I love: The headlines 3 days later: “Ricco Fails Doping Control as Saunier Duval Withdraws from the Tour.” C'est la vie.
What I love: “Nobody’s” like Will Frishkorn and Danny Pate came to their first Tour and had the guts to get in the breakaway’s, making the stages super fun to watch and getting the results that make us Americans tear up as they cross the line.
What I hate: “Somebody’s” like Cadel Evans throwing temper tantrums with the Press after the stages. Telling a reporter you’ll kill him if he steps on your little 8 pound dog lacks class. Seriously, what the fuck is your dog doing walking with you after a race when you KNOW you’re going to be swamped by people. You’re wearing the yellow jersey for cryin’ out loud! Leave your dog at home.
What I love: Lucky with unlucky. Barloworld’s John-Lee Augustyn is the first to the top of the Tour’s hardest stage and as he’s being celebrated by the commentator’s about his abilities, misjudges a right hand turn on the descent, goes over the barrier and slides 50 meters (unhurt) as his bike continues down the steep grade into the valley below.
What I hate: Unlucky with no luck. Roughly 50 km into the first stage at the very first feed zone of this year’s Tour, Cofidis rider Herve Duclos-LaSalle fell, broke his wrist and became the first rider to drop out. All that preparation gone in 50 km. My heart breaks for him.
What I love: The helicopter shots of the beautiful landscapes of France.
What I hate: When French TV is showing beauty shots from the helicopter while the riders are within 5 km of the finish. I don’t care about the 500 year old Chateau right now! I’ve been watching for 4 hours, I’ve seen enough Chateaus! Show me the riders dammit!
What I love: I’m a Broadcast Engineer so I love the TV technology used to bring incredible shots to the viewing public.
What I hate: Phil’s constant need to point out the picture glitches. “Sorry ‘bout the little bit of picture break up there. These pictures are being beamed up to the helicopter…blah, blah.” Yes, Phil, Microwave technology is exactly like Star Trek.
What I love: Silence Lotto actually thought they were going to put Cadel Evans in yellow despite having one of the weakest support teams in the Tour.
What I hate: People blasting Cadel because he didn’t end the Tour in yellow despite having one of the weakest support teams in the Tour.
What I love: Mark Cavendish schooling all the sprinters…4 times over. His uncanny ability to be blocked in at 200m and then cross the line first is just stunning to me.
What I hate: Hey, Mark, just because George Hincapie is on your team, doesn’t mean you need to give boring interviews like him. You just became the only Briton in history to win 4 stages in one Tour de France. It’s ok to show some emotion. I mean, you have to be at least a little excited, right?
What I hate: Robbie McEwen’s team left him out in the cold, opting to build itself around Cadel Evans for the overall. In the process, the team wasn’t strong enough to support Cadel and Robbie had no domestiques or lead out men to aid in his normally spectacular stage wins.
What I Love: Robbie McEwen’s poise in dealing with the situation and still being gracious to his clueless sponsors in the face of adversity. I won’t be surprised if he switches teams for next year.
What I hate: Schumacher falling on his way to the finish at Super Besse causing him to lose his yellow jersey and blaming Kim Kirchen (who ended taking the yellow that day) for it.
What I love: Kharma. In 2006, Schumacher took the overall victory at the Benelux Tour when he bumped into George Hincapie (who was leading the race at that point) causing him to crash. In this year’s Tour de France, Schumacher lost the yellow to George’s teammate, Kirchen.
What I love: All of the strong emotions surrounding the Tour.
What I hate: Writers who express their opinion and presume to know EVERYTHING about the Tour. Myself included.
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